Fading Away
by holbycityjosia
Summary: Chloe Godard is falling apart. Will anybody realise, will anybody be there, before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**'****Chloe!' I hear mums voice scream as I feel the ground beneath me fall, the walls around me spinning and a ringing in my ears appearing. I see mum's face slowly grow smaller and smaller and then, nothing. **

**_3 months before. _**

**Chapter 1**

**I groan, rolling over, head thumping and heart pounding, feeling like I only slept for 2 minutes, when realistically I know I slept for a solid 4 hours. I wipe my eyes and stretch out my arms before rolling out of bed, knowing that if I don't soon, I'll end up back asleep. I walk over to my bathroom, and glace at myself in the mirror, hair can last another day without a wash and I'll just use extra deodorant, its fine. I glance around, stupidly expecting someone to be there, when I live alone, before pulling off my PJ's and pulling the scales from underneath my cupboard out. I stand quickly on the cold glass scale, making my bare feet twice as cold as they already are. I glance down at the number, praying it's smaller than yesterday, needing it to be smaller than yesterday. 101lbs. The same. Dammit. I shouldn't have had that latte with mum. I kick the scales in slight frustration before sliding them back away and vowing to myself to keep control today. **

**I grasp the flask of hot black coffee tightly in my freezing hand as I make my way into the hospital, ready for another busy shift, 'Chloe, wait up!' I hear Dom, my newly found out adopted half-brother I have, 'hey.' I reply quietly, things only slightly getting better between us, 'good morning, how are you? You look tired.' Dom asks glancing up and down at me, 'yeah couldn't get off to sleep last night.' I mumble quietly mentally wishing the bloody lift would hurry up, 'anyway. Some of us are going to Albie's tonight for leaving drinks for Nathan, you coming?' he asks, internally I want to politely decline and say I have work to catch up on, but externally my head is nodding, 'yeah, yeah sure. Sounds nice.' I reply, cursing at myself inside. 'Okay, well, good. I'll catch you later!' Dom says before hurrying off to Keller ward. I take a sip of my coffee, why did I agree to this? **

**'****Miss Godard, you'll be assisting me on a Mitrial valve replacement in 15 minutes, Mrs Dawson, get the patient prepped for surgery please.' Jac says, I nod and head towards the locker room, my head pounding. I pop two aspirin before grabbing a hair tie and walking over to the bay to sort out the patient. I stare into the glass screen, absentmindedly washing my hands, my head swirling around, 'Miss Godard, how would you feel about leading this surgery?' Jac asks, which stuns me, lead it? 'Really? Me?' I ask looking around, 'well of course you. Unless you think Harry, the nurse is qualified to carry out this procedure?' Jac asks in her usual sarcastic tone. 'No-no of course not, I would love to. Thank you.' I state quickly, my heart suddenly pounding in my chest. 'Good. Because it's showtime.' **

**I finish closing up the patient 6 hours later, the surgery having been a success, 'good. Nice work Godard.' Jac says. I smile slightly, getting even a small compliment off Jac is like gold dust. I walk back into the scrub room, the patient now being taken through to recovery and start washing my hands again. I hear my stomach grumble slightly as I flinch, I am so hungry right now. No. You can't. You have to stay in control. 'Godard, my office 5 minutes.' Jac say's coldly. I nod and sigh, here we go again. I quickly change into my other scrubs and shake my messy curls out before scraping them into a low ponytail, I grab my phone from the pocket and notice the 2 missed text messages: **

**Mum: Hi Chloe, wondering if you fancied a catchup later? I brought sushi. My office 14:30? Xx**

**Dom: Hey, just checking if you are still up for later, really want to talk to you? X**

**I send a quick reply to mum and Dom, agreeing to both before rushing off to Jac's office. I take a deep breath and knock lightly, 'Come in' Jac's cold voice calls out, 'you asked to speak to me?' I state nervously as I fiddle with my hands, 'ah yes, please, sit.' Jac say's her tone slightly softer, 'is there something wrong?' I ask suddenly getting very nervous, 'no, not really. You were very good in surgery today.' Jac states, I nod, my nerves increasingly growing, 'however, I noticed something whilst you were scrubbing in earlier. I will only ask you this once, because I don't do feelings, but are you okay?' Jac asks cautiously, 'um yes, of course, why?' I ask confused even more now, 'I saw, marks, on your arm as you were scrubbing in. They looked self-inflicted, I just wanted to make sure you are okay.' Jac states, I instantly feel myself turning a bright red shade. 'Um, they, it's nothing. I'm fine.' I mumble, feeling my chest grow tight. 'Hmm, if you're sure, that's all, go on your lunch break now then.' Jac states as she grabs a pile of notes. 'Thank you.' I state plastering on a fake smile and standing up, immediate getting a head rush, but pushing through. 'Miss Godard.' Jac calls out, 'yes?' I reply turning around to face her, 'my door is always open.' She states nodding, I nod and appreciate the small gesture from Jac. **

**'****Knock knock.' I say standing in the doorway of my mum's office, 'come in darling.' Mum says looking up from her desk, 'how was your morning?' she asks as I make my way over to the sofa, 'busy, tiring.' I state rubbing my face, 'you look tired.' Mum states, I nod sighing and take a sip of the black coffee, 'how was your day?' I ask eyeing up the sushi mum starts pulling out of a carrier bag, 'yeah busy, testing.' Mum says as I try to stop my stomach from rumbling 'what, what happened.' I ask, distracting myself from the agonising hunger pains rippling through my body, 'um appendicitis, tonsillitis and we had a young girl with anorexia in.' Mum states, I nod suddenly getting intrigued by the conversation, 'what happened to her?' I ask taking another sip of coffee, 'well we're waiting for a CAMH's referral at the moment but she's refusing to eat anything.' Mum say's taking a bite of sushi, 'poor girl.' I say glancing out of the window, 'come on, eat up, I haven't got a long break.' Mum states, I nod, putting on a fake smile and taking a piece of sushi and staring at it. Wanting nothing more than to devour the whole box of them but knowing I must stay in control. **

**_Don't eat that. You don't need to eat that. What the hell do you think you're doing. You're disgusting, worthless human being, your mum doesn't love you. Nobody does, how could anyone ever love you._**

**'****Chloe, what's wrong?' Mum asks calling me out of my trance, I snap and face her, 'sorry, just thinking.' I reply quietly before taking a small nibble from the sushi. Almost two seconds later my bleep goes off, 'sorry that's Darwin, it's an emergency.' I say abruptly before leaving the barely touched piece of sushi and rushing out the door. **

**I spray my perfume before grabbing my leather jacket and bag, heading out of the locker room, 'good night.' I say to the nurses who are on the night shift before wandering out of the hospital my head pounding and feeling a lot worse for wear. I make the quick journey to Albie's and hover outside deciding whether I should I go in or bail. I spin around deciding I just want to go home, and to send a sorry text to Dom later, when I bump in my mum. 'Sorry.' I mumble, stepping away, 'you weren't thinking of bailing, were you?' Mum asks with a smirk, 'no, of course not.' I state rolling my eyes and turning back around, internally groaning. We walk into Albie's and I smile at a few of the people already there, Donna, Fletch, Sacha, Essie, Zosia, Lofty and of course Dom. 'What are you having?' Mum asks as I look at the bar, 'a double vodka lemonade please.' I ask as mum nods and proceeds to order at the bar, I walk over to a small table and sit down, rubbing my forehead, 'here we go.' Mum's voice calls out, placing down my drink and a large glass of wine for herself. **

**'****Hey you guys! I'm so happy you both came.' I hear Dom's slightly drunk voice call out, I glance towards mum who smirks, 'hey bro.' I reply bluntly, 'Dom how much have you had?' Mum asks with a slight giggle. 'Oh, not that much, ha. Can I offer either of you lovely ladies with some tequila shots?' Dom asks, Mum shakes her head, 'Sorry not for me tonight, long shift tomorrow.' Mum says, I ponder for a moment, I mean I am here already? May as well drink. 'Yeah go on then.' I reply standing up and following him to the bar. **


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note, thank you so much for the reviews on this story, I have a lot more planned out. I am trying to really convey the reality of living with anorexia, which is something I have struggled with personally for nearly 8 years. There is a trigger warning to this story, so if you are not in a good head space or are in a vulnerable place, please don't read it. Your mental health is the priority. I really like the relationship between Chloe and Ange in the show and wish they would develop it further. Much love.

**Chapter 2**

**I swirl the nearly empty glass around as I watch Dom and Lofty practically having sex on the bar counter, before swallowing it down, my head spinning and heart racing. 'Right stop it you two!' Zosia's voice says loudly over the music, 'more tequila' she states, ordering them from the bar, I shake my head, already feeling extremely drunk. I down the two tequila shots before covering my mouth with my hand, on the verge of throwing up, 'Chlo, you okay?' Lofty asks eying me up, 'yeah, yeah, I'm okay.' I reply slurring my words, as my head continues to spin even more, the music and noise from the bar sounding further and further away. Their faces growing more and more distant. **

**'****Chloe, can you hear me?' A voice calls out, close and loud, I blink my eyes open. The bright light of Albie's bringing back my memory of where I am, all my senses slowly coming back to me. I glance into the piercing blue eyes of my mother who looks rather concerned, 'what, what happened?' I ask, my voice wobbly and shaky, 'you fainted, and hit your head.' Mum says helping me to sit up, I glance at the faces of my other concerned colleagues, whilst the embarrassment grows rapidly inside me. 'Oh, I'm okay.' I slur feeling as though I'm about to throw up, 'I think it's time to get you home.' Mum says as her and Lofty help me to my feet, they both walk me to a taxi and help me get in, mum following after me, telling Lofty to make sure Dom doesn't drink anymore. **

**'****Come on, let's get you inside hmm.' Mum's voice calls out, waking me suddenly, I fall out of the taxi and stagger up the driveway, 'this, this is not my house.' I mumble, very confused, 'no, this is my house.' Mum says opening the door, 'get in.' She states smirking, I slowly walk into the house and find my way to the sofa, flopping down on it. 'Here, drink this.' Mum says handing me a glass of water, I take one sip before covering my mouth, 'I'm going to be sick' I blurt out as mum quickly hands me a washing up bowl and shoves it in front of me, 'there we go.' Mum's calm and reassuring voice calls out, as she rubs gentle circles on my back. I lean back, sighing, taking another small sip of water, 'sorry.' I mumble, starting to feel slightly less drunk, 'I'll get you some PJ's.' Mum says before wandering upstairs. I rub my head, noticing the shakiness of my hand as I do, why did I get so drunk? And why did I faint? **

**'****Here we are, they may be a bit small, they were yours when you were 17.' Mum states walking back into the living room, with a pair of pink PJs', I smile slightly before pulling off my top, not even remembering about the lines on my arm. I catch a glimpse of mum who is trying not to look at my scarred stomach, but obviously fails, as she notices I've caught her and offers me a small smile, 'Chloe, what are those?' Mum's voice calls out, as she grabs my arm, 'nothing, it's fine.' I mumble, pulling my arm away. 'When did this happen?' she asks, running her hand through her hair, 'it doesn't matter.' I say, putting the pyjama top on, 'Chloe, this does matter, its serious, if this is happening again.' Mum says sounding patronizing, 'honestly mum, its fine. Just leave it.' I reply, just wanting to fall asleep. **

**'****Chloe, come on, get up.' I hear mum's voice call me, I groan, my head thumping, my mouth dry and my stomach swirling around. I flicker my eyes open, and glance at the glass of water placed at the side of my bed. I gratefully drink the whole glass in one easy gulp before closing my eyes ready to go back to sleep. 'Chloe, get up.' Mum's voice calls out again, this time a lot closer, I open one eye slightly and see her stood in the doorway, arms crossed and a smirk across her face. 'Please don't look at me like that.' I mumble, burying my head into the pillow. 'Hey, you might have the hangover from hell, but you weren't that bad last night.' Mum says, I feel a dip in the bed and her hand on the small of my back, 'wasn't I?' I ask, turning my head to face her, mum shakes her head before lying down next to me and sighing. 'What's wrong?' I ask confused, 'Chloe, I saw your arm last night when you were changing.' Mum says, I immediately feel myself blush, 'oh.' I blurt out, not really knowing what to say, 'look I'm not go to push for answers, or shout at you, you're not a teenager anymore and we both know that doesn't work. But, please, promise me when you feel like that, call me, text me, or come over.' Mum says reaching down and grabbing my hand, I nod, 'okay.' I whisper squeezing her hand tightly, 'right I don't know about you but I'm starving. I think a fry up is just what you need.' Mum says, I instantly feel dread filling my stomach, 'I think if I eat anything it will just come straight back up.' I reply, half joking, 'nope, come on. I'll get started, you need to brush your teeth and take your makeup off.' Mum says as she gets off the bed and leaves me in a state of panic. **

**I pull on a pair of my old jeans and mum's Holby jumper as I make my way downstairs, the smell of bacon and eggs making my heart flutter, what I would do for the biggest plate of fry up right now. No, I can't, I don't deserve it. 'Feeling better?' Mum asks as I walk into the kitchen, 'a bit.' I reply grabbing a mug and making myself a black coffee, 'are those your old jeans?' Mum asks I nod with a confused expression, 'why?' I ask glancing hesitantly at the bacon cooking, 'I just didn't think they would fit you, that's all, they were yours's when you were 16.' Mum states. **

**_She thinks your fat. I mean you are. Your disgusting. Everyone can see it. Look at your puffy cheeks, flabby arms and podgy stomach. Your worthless, disgusting and everybody hates you. You're an even worse doctor, you're not smart enough. You will never be as good as your mum. You are such a disappointment. _**

**'****You think I'm fat?' I blurt out, my heart racing, I watch mum's expression turn to confusion, 'what? No, that's not what I meant, if anything you look like you've lost weight.' Mum says putting beans into the microwave. I run my hand through my hair, there is no way in hell I can eat that now. 'Mum look I've got to go. I'll text you later.' I blurt out, downing the rest of my coffee and picking up my bag from last night, 'Chloe, what's wrong? Just stay and have breakfast, you didn't have lunch yesterday.' Mums says raising an eyebrow, 'I just can't stomach food yet. I ate later yesterday. Honestly, I'm fine.' I say rushing out of the front door, not allowing her ask or say anything more. I walk to the bus stop just down the street from mum's house and wait for a bus, before deciding it's probably best I walk home. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I stop the treadmill, wiping the sweat from my forehead, my heart pounding and my body all shaky. 'Hey Chloe, can I have a word' Mark my personal trainer asks, I nod and follow him around to the water fountain, 'just checking in, is everything okay? You were going pretty intense on there?' He asks me as I fill up my water bottle, 'yeah just trying to sweat the hangover out of me.' I say out of breath, 'hmm, just make sure your re-fuelling your body.' He says, 'I know Mark, I am a Doctor.' I say rolling my eyes, 'just looking out for you.' He says before his name is called. I sigh walking into the changing rooms, my head feeling as though its pulsating and my body all clammy. I strip my clothes off and jump straight into the shower, cringing as I see a glimpse of my body in the mirror. **

**I stop off at the local Tesco express, looking for something to eat before my night shift. I stare at all the food lined up on the shelves, my heart racing and palms beginning to sweat. **

**_Too much fat, too many calories, Carbs, butter, fat, sugar, avocado is not healthy_****. **

**My head starts spinning as I get absorbed into my own little world, I feel my chest grow tight, just make a decision, god it's not that hard. I reach out and grab a small pot of apples and grapes and a bottle of diet coke. I head to the till, somewhat satisfied with my choice and pay the young man working. I plug my headphones in and make the short walk to work, slowly eating the pieces of fruit. **

**'****That's Mrs Fishers ECG done, Mr Davies CT done, FBC's, U&E's, LFT's done on bays 3,5,7 and 9 and the night checklist completed.' I say placing the patients file down on the desk, I earn weird glances from both Jac and Zosia, 'what?' I ask taking a sip of my black coffee, 'okay, it's only 3 hours into the shift, what have you put in your coffee?' Jac asks causing Zosia to smirk, 'nothing, I just want to keep busy.' I reply nervously clicking my fingers together, 'hmm, well sit. Look at these CT scans, what do you think?' Jac says handing me a scan, 'looks like a tumour in the left ventricle of the heart?' I reply, Jac nods, I lean back taking another sip of my coffee, my phone suddenly beeping. 'My mother. Checking to see if I'm okay.' I reply rolling my eyes, 'because of last night?' Zosia asks, I nod sighing, 'what happened last night?' Jac asks, 'oh I just had one too many drinks and fell over.' I reply, Jac raises her eyebrows before the phone starts ringing, I lean over and pick it up. 'Darwin. Yes, okay, Yep, down in a minute.' I reply hanging up, 'Y.A.U. needs a cardiac assessment done on a patient, I'll go.' I state standing up and finishing the last of my coffee. **

**'****You phoned.' I say placing my hand on my mother's shoulder, 'ah yes, so this is Hannah she is 15 years old, collapsed in her home earlier this evening, brought up to us from ED, following suspected anaemia, however CT scan shows some fluid build-up on the lungs and heart.' Mum says as we walk into the Y.A.U, I smile at the young girl in the bed, 'Hi Hannah, I'm Chloe, one of the CT registrar's at Holby, if it's okay with you I'm just going to have a listen to your chest and have a feel okay.' I state, Hannah nods and I pull a pair of gloves onto my hands and pull the curtain around for privacy. 'I think the best thing to do is a pericardiocentesis.' I say to mum, rubbing the sanitizer into my hands, 'okay, I'll get one of the nurses to page an anaesthetist, do you want me to get Ms Naylor or Dr March?' Mum asks, 'no I should be okay. I've done it plenty of times before.' I state, Mum nods before walking off to find a nurse, I walk back into see Hannah and begin explaining the procedure. **

**'****The anaesthetist will be about 10 minutes, are all the consent papers filled in?' Mum asks I nod, taking a sip out of her coffee mug, 'hey that's mine.' She says, elbowing me slightly, 'sorry.' I reply with a smirk, 'how's the hangover?' Mum asks, 'better, I just stayed in bed all day and ordered a dominos.' I say fully lying, mum laughs. 'Ange it's Bethany.' Essie calls as mum rushes to her feet, I follow on behind her and watch as mum and Essie walk over to a girl on the Y.A. unit, 'Bethany, I've told you. The tube has to stay in. It's not optional.' Mum says taking the girls arms and holding them by her side, 'you don't understand, you're making me fat. I can already feel it.' The young girls voice cries out, I immediately feel my heart skip a beat, that must be the anorexic patient from yesterday. 'Honey, that is not what is happening, this is saving your life.' Mum says harshly but kindly. After 15 minutes Mum and Essie have finally calmed Bethany down and she's now fallen asleep, 'poor thing.' Mum says smiling sadly at me, I nod clicking my fingers again. 'Right come on, let's get Hannah sorted.' Mum says, I smile, glancing at Bethany once more. ****_There is nothing wrong with you, you are not like Bethany. You are in control. _**

**'****How did the pericardiocentesis go?' Zosia asks as I return in the early hours of the morning back to Darwin, 'successful yes.' I reply yawning, 'here have some chocolate, keep your blood sugars up.' Zosia says offering me a chocolate, 'no. No thanks.' I reply smiling before grabbing a patients file and walking into the bay, ignoring Zosia's weird facial expression. **

**'****Have a good sleep Chloe.' Zosia calls out as I pull my jacket on, the shift finally over, I smile and wave before walking towards the lift, ready for bed. I feel a hunger pang in my stomach, nearly causing me to faint as I walk out of the main hospital doors and make the short journey home. I stand in my kitchen, contemplating whether to have a piece of toast before I sleep. I mean I haven't eaten a proper meal in 4/5 days. I decide against it and walk into my bedroom, not even bothering to change before passing out on the bed. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**'****98lbs.' **

**I fill my travel cup up with black coffee, running my hand through my hair, noticing how much falls out, before brushing it off. I grab an apple and pick my bags up and start walking to work. 'Chloe, wait up.' Mum's voice calls out, I turn and see mum getting out of her car, 'morning.' I reply, taking a sip of my coffee, hoping it will warm my freezing body up. 'Hey are you okay? You don't look well.' Mum says placing her hand on my arm, 'yeah I'm fine.' I reply, feeling far from fine, 'are you sure?' Mum asks prying for more info, 'yes mum, I'm sure.' I say smiling, 'if there's something going on, you can tell me?' Mum says seriously, 'I know mum, but I'm fine.' I say pushing the button for the lift, 'do you want to get lunch later?' Mum asks, as I wish the lift would hurry up, I want to scream no, but instead I smile and nod, 'maybe, if I have time.' I say, Mum nods as I get out onto Darwin, giving her a small wave as she smiles, looking concerned. I walk into the locker room, and open my locker, taking off my scarf and coat, and popping two paracetamol tablets. I glance at the apple, I haven't got time to eat it now. I'll eat it later. I grab my phone and make my way over for handover, 'Chloe you will be with Dr March today.' Jac says, I nod and smile slightly at Zosia, 'are you okay? You look tired Chloe.' Zosia asks, 'yeah, I'm fine.' I reply, lying. My head is pounding, my heart is racing, and I feel all clammy and hot. **

**'****What next?' Zosia asks, I blink, snapping out of my gaze, I haven't been able to concentrate all day, I've had this strange feeling inside me all day. I've been struggling all day, nearly passed out earlier but managed to save myself. All I want to do is lie down and fall asleep, 'Dr Godard?' Zosia asks, raising her eyebrow, 'I'm sorry. I'm not sure.' I reply, closing my eyes in an attempt to stop my head from spinning. 'What's going on with you today? Normally your way on top of things?' Zosia asks concern clear in her voice, 'I'm fine. Just tired.' I mumble, my head still spinning as a sickness suddenly comes over me. 'Chloe, what's wrong?' Zosia's voice calls out, sounding miles away. 'Sorry, I just feel a bit, a bit dizzy.' I mumble clutching my chest, I feel a hand grab me and guide me to a chair and shove a cup of water into my shaking hands. I take a few sips and take some deep breaths the world soon returning to normal, I see Zosia sitting opposite me, a worried expression covering her face. 'Feeling better?' She asks, I nod, feeling a lot better but still slightly weak. **

**It is now 3 hours after my near fainting experience and Zosia has made me sit at the desk and read up patients notes all morning, however, it's now lunch time. I grab my water bottle and walk into the staffroom, where Zosia is sat eating pasta and scrolling through her Instagram. I texted mum earlier stating how I was too busy to meet her for lunch, which wasn't a complete lie. I start to boil the kettle to make another coffee, staring absentmindedly out of the window. 'Are you not eating?' Zosia asks snapping me out of my trance, 'I feel a bit sick.' I reply, half telling the truth, my stomach does feel rather funny, 'well considering you nearly fainted earlier I really recommend eating something, even if it's something small.' Zosia says, eyeing me up, I shake my head, 'I'm not hungry. I actually might go outside for some fresh air.' I say standing up abruptly and walking out of the staffroom, forgetting all about my coffee. **

**_Zosia's POV_**

**I watch as Chloe, walks out of the staffroom, my concern growing for the younger girl. I quickly text Dom to meet me in the staffroom as I finish my pasta. 'You texted honey.' Dom says as he walks into the staffroom and sits close to me, 'it's about Chloe, your sister.' I say, still not used to Dom and Chloe being related, 'what about her?' he asks drinking my cup of tea, 'I'm worried about her. I mean she looks really tired, pale, she nearly fainted earlier, and she didn't eat anything for lunch.' I state, Dom furrows his brows in confusion, 'what are you getting at?' he asks in confusion, 'I could be wrong, completely wrong but you have to admit, she's lost a lot of weight recently and I just think..' I mumble not wanting to say the words out loud, 'what, you think Chloe has an eating disorder?' he says with a small chuckle, I nod sadly, 'no way. She is way too smart to do that to herself.' He says shaking his head, 'Dom it's a mental illness, just like my bipolar, maybe she doesn't even know she's doing it.' I state, Dom stops smiling and looks serious for a minute, 'that was different Zosh, I mean, Chloe can't be, she just can't be.' He says shaking his head, 'Dom, do me a favour, invite her over tonight for some sibling bonding, we can just keep an eye on her. Like I said, I could be wrong, but I am really worried.' I say stealing my mug back off him. Dom nods and pulls his phone out, stating he'll text her to come over for a girly night. **

**_Chloe's POV_**

**I take some deep breaths as I watch everyone pass me by, the world so busy. I look down when I feel my phone vibrate in my hand, expecting it to be from mum, only slightly shocked when I see it's from Dom;**

**Dom: Hey Chlo, fancy coming over tonight for a girly night, fancy a catchup. I have wine, and shitty movies xx**

**I roll my eyes, honestly Dom is so gay. Not that that's a bad thing. I ponder for a moment, should I actually go? It would be nice to catch up with him, I text him back quickly saying it sounds good before walking back up to Darwin, ready to finish the shift. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**I knock on the door of Dom and Zosia's flat, suddenly feeling very nervous, 'Zosh will you get that!' I hear Dom shout from inside, making me feel more at ease, I watch as the door opens and reveals Zosia, 'hey Chloe, come in, Dom's just doing a face mask.' She says rolling her eyes I smirk and walk into the slightly messy flat. I glance around at all of the pictures, mostly of Zosia, Dom and their friend Arthur who died. I smile and follow Zosia through to the living room, 'are you feeling better?' she asks as I take a seat on the sofa, 'yeah much. Think I'm just really tired.' I state, smiling, 'do you want a drink or anything?' Zosia asks, 'um just water for me please.' I say, Zosia nods and goes over to the kitchen, 'Chloe, you're here!' I hear Dom's voice call out, I turn and see him come rushing over to me in what I assume is Zosia's dressing gown, and a blue face mask on his face. 'Hey, bro.' I state, still finding it weird that I actually have a brother. **

**'****So, come on tell me more stories from when you guys were F1's' I say, as Zosia and Dom shake their heads, I've just heard the funniest stories back when they were young trainee doctors. 'Nope, I can't reveal anymore.' Zosia says laughing, Dom nods, 'top secret. But anyway, I'm starving. I picked us up some pizzas from the store, sound okay Chloe?' Dom asks, I nod, instantly inside filling with panic and dread. 'Yep, sounds good.' I say robotically as he wanders off into the kitchen. 'So, how are you finding working Jac?' Zosia asks, 'it's okay, I'm still terrified of her, I feel like she doesn't even know I'm there.' I say laughing, still distracted by the thought of having to eat that pizza. Zosia knows I didn't eat lunch today either, so it would be really weird if I refused it, I try to stop my mind from racing as all my thoughts whirl around. Zosia shakes her head, 'you can't let on that I told you, but after the surgery you done together all she kept going on about to me is how good you are and the potential you have.' Zosia says, I roll my eyes. **

**_She's lying. You are a rubbish doctor. Jac doesn't think that. Your useless. You are a failure. _**

**I nod, trying to ignore the voice in my head, 'Jac, she's hard to work out. She plays a game that you will never win. But, if you work hard, she will have your back. She's had mine so many times before.' Zosia says smiling, I nod making a mental note of her tips on how to work Jac Naylor. 'But, enough of her, how is it being in the same hospital as your mum?' She asks, 'it's okay, I mean we are pretty close, well I thought we were, that was until I realised, she had been lying to me my whole life. But we're working on it.' I state smiling, running my hand through my hair. Zosia nods understandingly, 'it was a surprise for everyone when people found out that Ange was Dom's mother, I mean, no one expected that, least of all him.' Zosia says, I nod, I forgot how much of a big deal it must have been for Dom to find out he was adopted. **

**'****Food is served.' Dom says holding two large pizza's and a bottle of wine. I take a deep breath, staring at the cheesy, oily pizza now in front of me. **

**_Hide it, don't you dare eat it. You don't need to eat it. Look there is practically grease dripping off it. Make up an excuse. Say you've already eaten. Say you feel sick. Tell them your vegan so you can't eat it. Your disgusting. You're a failure. You're worthless. Nobody will ever love you. What the hell do you think you're doing. Put that piece down. Do not eat it, spit it out now. _**

**I chew the piece of pizza, for what seems like forever, not being able to avoid the weird looks from Zosia and Dom. 'I need to go to the toilet.' I blurt out, not even caring that I look like a crazy person. I rush to the toilet, needing to get rid of the pizza that is filling my insides up. I can feel the oil on my fingertips, like its poison running through my veins. The next thing I know I'm hunched over the toilet with my fingers down my throat, not caring that Dom and Zosia can definitely hear me. I lean back, my heart racing, sweat on my forehead and my whole body shaking, finally coming out of my trance. 'Chloe, are you okay?' Dom's voice calls out from behind the bathroom door, 'yeah. I'm fine.' I reply my voice wobbling. I slowly get up, instantly getting a head rush, before washing my hands, and swilling my mouth out. I wipe the tears fallen from my eyes and plaster on a fake smile. I walk back into the living room, the two pizza's mysteriously not there anymore and a concerned looking Dom and Zosia staring at me. 'Chloe, what's going on?' Dom asks as I stand there, feeling as if I'm on trial. 'Nothing, I think I've got a tummy bug.' I state, rubbing my fingers anxiously. 'Chloe, I heard you being sick, you've lost so much weight. You don't look well. I'm really worried now, so is Zosia.' Dom states, 'there's nothing wrong with me, honestly.' I say laughing, trying to cover up the truth. 'I think you have a problem. I can help. Ange can help.' Dom says pulling at my hand, 'I don't need help. There is nothing wrong with me.' I state getting defensive and angry now, 'Chloe, please.' Dom pleads, I look at Zosia who shares his worries expression. 'I told you, there is nothing wrong with me. Just leave me alone.' I shout before picking my bag up and rushing out of the flat, ignoring their calls after me. **

**I get back into my house, my heart thumping and head spinning. How dare they accuse me of that. There is nothing wrong with me. I am fine. I am in control. **


	6. Chapter 6

Thank you so much for the reviews, I have a lot more planned for Chloe in this story. This story mirrors slightly what I went through with my anorexia which is why it is so important for me to convey the right depiction of anorexia. It is not just a voice in your head telling you your fat. Its a voice that makes you doubt everything, that tells you you are unworthy of everything. It sucks the life out of you, until the only thing that makes sense is the voice. Please tell me what you think as this is my first fanfic I've ever written and I'm not that confident!

**Chapter 6**

**_Ange's POV_**

**I spot Dom sat at a table in the corner of pulses, two coffees and a croissant each, I smile wondering why he was so eager to meet me this morning before our shifts. 'Good morning.' I say smiling as he glances up and offers me a small smile, instantly concerns fill me, 'Dom what's wrong?' I ask sitting down fast, 'are you okay?' I ask looking at my son, looking for any sign that he could be in trouble, 'no I'm fine, I'm okay, it's, it's Chloe.' He says, a lump immediately forms in my throat, 'what's wrong with Chloe?' I ask, starting to think about the last time I saw my daughter, 'Ange I'm really worried about Chloe, Zosia is too, she was the person who made me realise that she isn't well.' Dom states, I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion, 'what do you mean?' I ask, Dom sighs taking a sip of his coffee, 'Zosia called me up to the ward yesterday, telling me how she was worried about Chloe, that she had been off all day, how she nearly passed out and then didn't eat lunch.' Dom says, I feel my stomach clench as the realisation of what's happening to Chloe suddenly hits me, the little hints, the subtle signs, the excuses, everything, suddenly making sense, 'anorexia.' I mumble, my heart breaking, Dom nods sadly, 'she came over last night, and she ate the tiniest amount of pizza, and then, it was like something had taken over her body and we heard her throwing it all back up.' Dom says as I cringe, how didn't I realise sooner? I'm a doctor for gods sake, I'm her mother. 'I tried to ask her about it, but she freaked out and left, I'm really worried.' Dom states, I nod, lost for words. It all makes sense, my poor baby girl, 'thank, thank you for telling me. Why didn't she come to me? Why didn't I notice what she was doing? I knew she had lost weight, but I didn't think anything of it. It's, it's all my fault.' I mumble, running my hands through my hair. 'Ange this isn't your fault, anorexia is a very secretive disease, I don't think Chloe realises that it's a problem. But now that we know, we can help her.' Dom says taking my hand, I nod, my mind still racing with worry about Chloe, how are we supposed to help her? I flinch slightly when I hear Dom's bleep go off, 'I'm needed, sorry, perhaps I can come over later and we can talk more about what we're going to do?' Dom asks standing up, I nod, 'yeah, sure, sounds good.' I mumble still trying to understand it all. I watch as Dom walks away towards the lift, that's when I catch a glimpse of Chloe, walking in. I feel my stomach turn and sick rise in my throat as I realise the state she is in, how ill she looks, my poor baby girl. **

**_Chloe's POV_**

**'****I won't be long.' I say to an elderly patient as I walk away from her bed, heading back to the nurse's station where Zosia is sat, she's been trying to corner me all day, most probably to speak about last night. I've managed to avoid speaking to her today, pros of the ward being very busy. 'Chloe, can I speak to you please.' Zosia calls out, 'sorry I'm just on my way to get Mrs Jones ready for her scan.' I say smiling, I catch Zosia's concerned expression as she shakes her head. **

**I sit in the ward office, typing up notes, finally having 5 minutes to myself, when I hear a knock on the door, 'yep.' I call out and see Zosia stood outside with two mugs, I roll my eyes and sigh. 'I brought you a black coffee.' Zosia says smiling, 'thanks.' I reply, barley taking my eyes of the computer screen, hoping that she will get the hint that I'm busy. 'Chloe, you can't ignore me forever.' Zosia says, sitting down in a chair opposite the desk, 'I'm not ignoring you, I'm just really busy.' I state, taking a sip of the black coffee, 'look about last night, I'm really sorry if you felt we ambushed you. Dom and I are just really worried.' Zosia says, I roll my eyes again, 'honestly there is nothing wrong. I am fine. I've just had a bit of an iffy stomach for the past couple of weeks.' I say, not knowing whether I'm trying to convince myself or her anymore. Zosia nods, taking a sip of her drink, 'when I was studying, one of my flat mates, she wouldn't eat, exercised every single day, most of the time twice a day, if she did eat, she would it throw up. She never admitted she had a problem, even though we all knew, we all wanted to help her, but she convinced herself she was fine. Halfway through the year, she got sectioned and was admitted to hospital.' Zosia says, making me feel very uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with me though, I'm not like that. I've got it under control. 'Anyway, 3 years ago, I found out on Facebook that sadly she had passed away due to health implications of anorexia.' Zosia says, bowing her head. I nervously pick at a loose thread on the chair I'm sat on, my heart thumping in my chest. 'Zosia, I'm really sorry about what happened to your friend, but I am not, I mean I don't have, I don't do that.' I mumble, not being able to say the words out loud, 'Chloe, you have a problem and you need to get help.' Zosia says sternly. 'NO, I don't have a problem. God would everybody just leave me the hell alone. I am fine!' I shout before storming out of the office. I walk past Jac who I'm pretty sure heard the whole conversation, as did the rest of the staff probably. I don't even bother waiting for the lift and rush downstairs, needing some fresh air. I push through the bustling people on the ground floor of the hospital, my chest constricting as I struggle to find air to breath. I hear someone shout my name but ignore it, continuing to walk. I eventually stop when I reach the bench in the peace garden taking deep breaths in and out. **

**'****Sweetheart what's wrong?' Mum's voice calls out, I turn and see her walk towards me, a worried look on her face. 'Nothing. I'm fine.' I reply, my voice all shaky. 'You rushed out of the hospital pretty fast. Are you sure you're not having a panic attack?' Mum asks, I shake my head, 'no. I'm okay.' I whisper, finally managing to steady my breathing. 'Chloe, I've spoken to Dom. He's worried. So am I.' Mum begins to say, I just feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. He had no right going behind my back, there is nothing wrong with me. 'Dom is just being dramatic, I've had a bug.' I say pulling on the sleeves of my hoody, 'Chloe, this isn't just a bug, you know that. You don't look very well darling.' Mum says grabbing hold of my hand, 'I'm fine. I wish people would just leave me alone.' I state, pulling my hand back. 'Please, darling, just talk to me, I'm here.' Mum says, I pause for a moment. I have been feeling extremely lonely since it all came out about mum and Dom, I've had all these thoughts running through my head and it's so confusing. **

**_You can't tell her. She doesn't love you. She only kept you out of pity. I'm the only person you can trust now. If you tell her she'll take me away. I'm the only one that's been here. _**

**'****Chloe?' Mum's voice calls out, I take a deep breath, and glance into her piercing blue eyes, pleading for me to let her in. 'I told you I'm fine, and Dom needs to keep his nose out of other people's business. He might be your son, but he is not my brother. Just both of you stay out of my life.' I say before storming off, tears rolling down my face.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**I roll over sighing, I've been off work for 2 weeks with a 'bug', I haven't really had a bug I just couldn't face going into work, having to see Mum, Dom, Zosia and Jac, when I know they've all been talking about me. I've had at least 5 calls of mum every day, few off Dom, even some off Zosia. Mum's come around a couple of times, but I haven't answered the door to her, I've ignored everyone, just sent a text every couple of days telling mum that I was okay. All I've done for the last two weeks is wake up, spend 3 hours in the gym, come home, sleep, wake up go for a run and go back to bed. I've barely eaten anything in the last two weeks, except for the odd apple, rice cake, soup and some cucumber slices. I walk into the bathroom, my head pounding and body shaking. I strip off my clothes, staring at my body, the fat lining my stomach, my puffy chipmunk cheeks and my sausage roll legs. I shake my head, standing on the scale, my fingers tingling from the cold glass. I hold my breath waiting for the numbers to stop flashing, '91lbs.'**

**I walk through the glass doors to the hospital, leaning onto the wall for support as a wave of dizziness comes over me, 'sweetheart?' I hear mums thick accent call out as I roll my eyes, 'Chloe what's wrong?' She asks rushing over and putting her arm on my back.**

**'Nothing, just catching my breath.' I reply shrugging her off, 'did you run to work? Chloe that's such a far way to come?' Mum says, I roll my eyes, 'you don't look well, you've lost weight again.' Mum says, I roll my eyes again, 'I was off with a bug. I'm fine, I've got to go.' I state before rushing up the stairs to head to work.**

**'Chloe, you're back, what's happened?' Zosia calls out, 'nothing why,' I state sipping on my black coffee as I wait for handover, 'you, I'm just very concerned, I don't think you should be in work.' Zosia says I roll my eyes, 'I'm fine.' I state as I watch Jac walk towards us, 'Ms Godard, glad you're back.' Jac states handing three patient files over to me, 'glad to be back.' I say smiling gripping onto the desk for support, I feel like pure crap at the moment, the world fuzzy and blurry.**

**Zosia's POV**

**Seeing Chloe today, now has me even more concerned than I was, she looks awful, she has lost loads of weight, her face is all gaunt and the bags underneath her eyes are evidence to the lack of sleep. Her scrubs are hanging off her tiny frame and she looks like she could collapse at any moment. I watch her as she rushes around patient to patient, pausing at moments to steady herself, that's it, I can't watch this anymore. I stand up and make my way to Jac's office, I knock lightly on the door,**

**'come in.' Jac's cold and stern voice calls out,**

**I walk not really knowing how to bring this up, I mean Jac has expressed her concerns about Chloe to me, and anyone can see how much she's struggling at the moment.**

**'Problem Dr March?' Jac asks taking off her glasses,**

**'it's about Chloe, Ms Godard.' I state, taking a seat opposite her, 'Jac she doesn't look well, she looks really ill, I'm really worried.' I say,**

**Jac nods, 'I agree, my concerns for her health are growing too, but I'm not sure what we can do. You said she is in denial that there is a problem.' Jac says, her voice kinder now,**

**'yes, when I asked her, she got defensive and angry.' I say sighing, 'Perhaps I should have a word with her mother.' Jac says, I nod and sigh,**

**'Zosia, we will help Chloe, just like we helped you.' Jac says smiling kindly, I nod,**

**'thank you, I've got surgery now.' I say standing up and walking out of Jac's office.**

**Chloe's POV**

**'Dr Godard, we have a tapenade coming up from the ED that needs operating on, are you okay to assist, Dr March is in surgery?' Jac asks,**

**I nod standing up, not before a wave of dizziness rushes over me, 'Dr Godard?' Jac asks concern clear on her face,**

**'I'm fine.' I state plastering on a fake smile,**

**'I suggest that before you scrub in, you eat something. Anything.' Jac says in a quieter voice, that's filled with kindness, I nod taking the hint. I walk into the staff room and grab a banana, cutting it in half and slowly eating it, trying to justify it to my brain, which is telling me that I don't need to eat it, that its unnecessary.**

**I watch as Jac begins the procedure, the room spinning around me,**

**'Ms Godard, suction please.' Jac states I nod and start suctioning the blood, noticing how shaky my hand is,**

**'Chloe is everything okay?' Jac asks,**

**'yes, I'm fine.' I state trying to concentrate on what I'm doing but the room keeps spinning,**

**'there are lots of people worried about you. Me being one of them.' Jac says, glancing up at me over her mask,**

**'I'm fine, people are just being dramatic.' I state, suddenly finding it hard to breathe through my mask,**

**'Chloe, I think you need to speak to someone, a professional.' Jac says, I shake my head, 'I told you. I'm fine.' I mumble, a ringing now appearing in my ears, I glance up, not being able to understand what Jac is saying as everything's turned into a murmur. 'Sorry. I, I need to, um go.' I mumble, feeling the sweat on my forehead as I drop everything and rush out of the small theatre room. I gasp for breath, pulling off my mask and hat, leaning on a wall for support before, blackness.**

**I blink at the harsh light, blinding me slightly, the coldness of the corridor floor seeping through my gown and scrubs. I slowly sit up, the realisation of what just happened, I fainted. I look around, my head thumping and my body feeling weak, I grip onto a chair for support as I slowly regain all of my senses. It's fine. I am fine. I am in control.**


	8. Chapter 8

So this was originally split into two chapters, however they were both quite short so I decided to put them together. I find writing Jac's character very hard as she is such a complex/well established character! I am really liking where this story is going, and I want to depict how hard it is for people to understand what is going on, and how hard actually accepting help is. Please read and review, I would love to hear all your opinions on this story, what I could be doing better, if any of you have ideas or would like me to include anything! Thank you.

**Chapter 8**

**_Jac's POV_**

**'****Zosia, have you seen Chloe?' I ask walking back onto the ward, not knowing where she is after she walked out of theatre, 'no sorry. Why?' Zosia asks her face clearly in alarm, 'she left surgery, some sort of panic attack or something?' I reply, Zosia shakes her head, 'I'll see if Dom knows where she is.' Zosia states, I nod and run my hands through my hair. I wander downstairs, past pulses, thinking that Chloe might have gone outside to get some fresh air. I walk out, glancing at the ambulances at the entrance and the floods of people entering and leaving the hospital. I sigh giving up and turn around ready to walk back in when I spot Ange, Chloe's mother sat on a bench vaping. **

**'****Ange.' I call out, offering her a slight nod of the head as she notices me, 'Jac.' She states puffing out a bit of air. I walk over and sit next to her, 'this is about Chloe isn't it?' She states, I nod, I guess mothers know everything, ****'****I've been meaning to come and speak to you, but I've been busy.' Ange says I nod. 'Ange, I'm really concerned about her.' I begin to say, 'me too. I just don't know what to do.' Ange says, 'I mean when she was a teenager, she was so open with me, would tell me everything, and now, she brushes me off as if I'm a stranger.' Ange says I nod, 'has Chloe struggled in the past?' I ask, my curiosity about the young girl growing, 'yes, not with food, but with anxiety, panic attacks and um self-harming.' Ange says hesitantly, 'ah I see, I did ask her a couple weeks ago about the marks on her arm, but she downplayed them.' I say, Ange nods, 'she was good, she was doing really well, I know she was, but since finding out about Dom, and all of that stuff with Evan, it's like she crumbled, and I just kept thinking she was fine.' Ange says, I nod, suddenly remembering that Ange is Dom's birth mother, which makes him Chloe's sister, 'that must have been hard for her. I found out I had a half-sister a few years ago. I was put into care when I was a child and my mother had her after that. She started working here and I freaked out, I hated her at first, I was given away and she was kept. By the time I actually warmed to having a sister, it was, um too late.' I say remembering Jasmine, 'what happened, to your sister?' Ange asks, taking another puff of her vape, 'she was pushed, and had a scalpel in her pocket, it stabbed her, and she died.' I say taking a deep breath, I never talk about Jasmine. 'Jac, I'm sorry.' Ange says, I nod and smile, 'Ange we need to do something about Chloe.' I state sternly again, 'I know, I just don't know what to do or say.' She replies rubbing her temples, 'I think you should speak to her first, and then if she doesn't open up, Ill speak to her as her boss. She is a risk to herself and patients.' I say, Ange nods, sighing. I hear a phone vibrate and knowing mine is still in the office look towards Ange, 'it's Dom, he's with Chloe, in the basement.' Ange says standing up. I nod and offer her a small smile, watching as she walks off. **

**_Chloe's POV_**

**I hug my knees, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I have never felt as much out of control as I did then. That was terrifying. Fainting like that. Maybe I am struggling just a bit. **

**_No, no you're not. Don't fall into that trap. They all want you to believe that but, you can't. I am the only one that has been here. I am the only one that you can trust. _**

**"****Chloe?" I glance up and see Dom, how did he find me here? I rest my head back on my knees as he comes and sits next to me, I sigh, still crying. "Everyone is really worried about you." Dom says breaking the silence, "even Jac was looking for you." Dom says with a chuckle, I wipe my eyes as I just find the whole situation embarrassing. "Chloe please, talk to me. I'm not going to judge, I just want to understand. Just tell me what's going on?" Dom says placing his hand on my shoulder. I take a deep breath, "I, I don't even know. I don't know how I got here. But the last few months, everything that's happened, I've just felt so out of control." I say as Dom nods, "I can't keep doing this. I'm exhausted." Wiping my eyes, my whole body aching and my head thumping, I close my eyes and lean against him, all I want to do is fall asleep, I'm just so tired.**

**I look up when I hear the door of the basement begin to open, my eyes hurting from crying so much, 'I um texted your mum.' Dom says, 'our mum.' I mumble, using the sleeve of my hoody to wipe my nose, I watch as the door opens and mums face appears, worry written all over it. 'Chloe.' Mum says rushing forward and pulling me into a hug, I collapse into her embrace, taking in her perfume that she's worn for as long as I can remember, reminding me of all the times she held me as a child or teenager. 'Please, sweetheart, just let me in.' Mum asks pulling away slightly from the hug, 'I don't know, I don't know what's happening, why I'm like this.' I mumble as mum sits next to me, holding onto my hand tightly, 'tell me, us, from the start.' Mum says, I glance at Dom and see his awkward expression, I grip his hand and offer him a small smile. 'I don't remember when it started, I guess after I found out about you guys, and Dom being, you know, my brother, and then all that stuff with Evan. I just threw myself into work, to distract I guess.' I mumble, thinking back to a few months ago, I take a deep breath, going against every single thing my mind is telling me, 'it happened slowly, I skipped breakfast because I was late, I didn't have lunch because I needed to work, or I missed dinner because I was too tired.' I whisper, feeling ashamed and guilty for some unknown reason. 'At first it didn't matter, but then I just sort of became fixated on food, on what I have or haven't eaten, what I was or wasn't going to eat. Then my brain just started telling me all these rules and that made me feel in control. Everything was spinning out of control in the real world, but food, controlling what I eat gives me control in here.' I say motioning to my head, 'Chloe, this is dangerous, you do know that, surely as a Doctor, you know that?' Dom says, I glance down, 'I guess, on some level, I know what I'm doing is dangerous, but just look around, everybody has unhealthy coping mechanisms, mum with her vaping/smoking, you staying with Isaac for as long as you did, Jac with being cold and emotionless. We all have them.' I state, sighing. I look at mum who hasn't said a word, her face pale and calm, 'mum?' I ask, instantly feeling guilty for making her feel bad, 'darling, why didn't you tell me?' She asks, a tear rolling down her cheek, 'I, I didn't know how.' I whisper, feeling her grip my hand tightly. 'Chloe, I think you need to take time off work, you can't be a doctor when your ill yourself. You need help, professional help.' Mum says, instantly fear rushes through my body and my heart races, 'why don't you move back in with me?' Mum says with an encouraging smile. My head starts rushing around as I feel my chest grow tight. **

**_See, I told you. She'd try to take me away. You need me Chloe, you can't survive without me. I am your only friend, the only one that will tell you the truth. Who'll be there for you when they take me away? Nobody. Your all on your own. Whose fault is that? Yours, your disgusting, fat, unworthy, even the way you were born. Your mother never wanted you. Don't you think she would have given you away instead of Dom. You are a disgrace, an unlovable mess._**

**'****NO!' I shout, flinching my eyes shut, as the voice in my head grows louder 'Chloe?' Dom calls out, 'I don't need help. I don't want help. Just, just leave me alone. Both of you.' I shout, pulling away from both of their grips and rushing off. I don't need any help. I am fine. **

**I splash water on my face in an attempt to conceal my puffy and red eyes. I sigh glancing at my face, I am in control. I don't need help. I am fine. This is fine. This is control. I pull my hair back into its usual low ponytail before straightening my uniform and taking a deep breath. I plaster on a fake smile and walk out of the toilets, I glance at the nurse's station where Zosia is sat, as I turn on my heel and walk towards Jac's office. I knock lightly on the door, my hand shaking slightly as I nervously wait for to her respond. 'Yes?' Jac's voice calls out, harsh and cold as ever. I open the door and see her usually stern expression, replaced with one of worry and concern. 'Ah Chloe, I was just going to send out a search party. Please sit.' Jac says motioning to the chair opposite her desk, 'I just wanted to apologise for rushing out of surgery earlier.' I state, sitting down in the chair. I watch as Jac shakes her head, and takes her glasses off, leaning forward slightly, 'Chloe, I am concerned about you, so are a lot of people. I am not angry about you leaving surgery earlier, just worried.' Jac states, I shake my head, why is everyone saying the same thing? 'Chloe, you are not very well, and you need to get help. I cannot have you performing surgeries when I don't know the last time you ate something. You are becoming a risk not only to yourself but those who work with you and the patients.' Jac says sternly, but with a slightly kinder tone, 'Jac, please. I'm fine, I've just had this bug.' I say nervously clicking my fingers out of habit, 'Chloe, I know it's not that, you know it's not that. I know you have an issue with food.' Jac says hesitantly, instantly I feel my face turn a bright shade of pink, 'no, I, I don't have an issue with food, I'm just stressed.' I say feeling the panic bubble up inside of me, 'Chloe, as your boss and clinical lead of Darwin, I have to take you off surgical duties, ward only for now. This isn't a punishment, it's for yours and the patient's safety.' Jac says with a sad smile, 'Jac, please. I'm fine, it's all under control.' I mumble, tears welling up in my eyes, 'Chloe, it's not up for discussion, now I suggest you book a doctor's appointment, talk to your mother, anyone. You need help, it's not just your career on the line anymore, it's your life.' Jac says. **

**I walk through the front door of my flat, finally letting the tears roll down my face, no surgical duties, basically everyone knows, not that there is anything to know. I ignore what I think is the 17****th****missed call from mum and turn my phone off, walking towards the kitchen, I don't have a problem with food, I can eat whenever I want to. I glance towards the fridge, not that there's much food in there, my stomach rumbling, before I sigh and turn away, deciding I'm too tired to eat. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**I sit at the nurse's station, the night being weirdly quiet for me, I guess that's because I'm not allowed to undertake any surgical duties. All I've been doing is obs, writing discharge letters and checking on the patients when needed. 'How did the surgery go?' I ask to Zosia as she walks into view, 'good yeah thanks, really tired now though.' She states smiling, I nod and sigh, rubbing my head, 'I'm going to make a coffee? Want one?' She asks, I nod smiling gratefully, 'coffee would be fab.' I say pulling my jacket around me tighter, shivering slightly. I watch as Zosia walks off, nobody has really said anything to me since yesterday. I mean mum has tried calling but we are on opposite shifts for the next week, so avoiding her won't be hard. I rub my eyes, already feeling way too tired to be doing a night shift, my body aching all over and my head thumping. **

**'****I just still can't believe that Dom is your brother.' Zosia says as I nod, 'tell me about it, I was not expecting to find out my mother had a secret child that she'd given away.' I say rolling my eyes, 'yeah, that must have been hard.' Zosia replies, leaning back in her chair, 'I mean, when I was younger, I always wanted a brother or sister. But finding out that you've been lied to your whole life was hard, and obviously it was hard for Dom, finding out he was adopted.' I say, remembering it wasn't just me who was lied to, 'yeah, god when he found out, we went out and both got ridiculously drunk, I hadn't got that drunk in a long time!' Zosia says smirking, I laugh, ignoring my pounding heart in my chest, taking a small sip of my coffee, 'and then all that stuff with Evan, everything just seemed to happen at the same time.' I say running my had through my hair, thinking back to Evan, 'Yeah, I know what you mean, Dom did mention your ex Evan, but didn't really get into the details.' Zosia says, I nod, still struggling to talk about him, 'he just turned really manipulative and was trying to drive a wedge between me and mum, and Dom for that matter.' I say shaking my head, Zosia nods, 'that was like Isaac, he did that to Dom and me.' Zosia replies shaking her head. I nod and think about the stories that I've heard about Dom and Isaac, glad that I got out of the relationship with Evan when I did. 'That's a lot for anyone to go through in such a small amount of time.' Zosia says, I nod, actually finding her easy to talk to, 'I mean break ups are hard anyway, but all of the other stuff on top. God, when I went through a really bad break up, it triggered my bipolar off.' Zosia says, I burrow my eyebrows in confusion, 'I, I didn't know you have bipolar?' I say quietly not wanting to offend her, 'yeah, I was diagnosed about 3 years ago, after a long struggle, but getting the diagnosis and the treatment really helped.' Zosia says smiling I nod, 'was it hard, you know, getting help?' I ask, 'at the start yes, I didn't want to be bipolar, but then, after my mood stabilised with the meds, and people around me that I trusted found out, I had a support network, and it was a relief to finally start feeling normal again.' Zosia says, I nod, running my hand through my hair, 'Chloe, look I don't want to cause an argument, and I don't want you to storm off, but the hardest thing I ever had to do was ask for help. But it has been completely worth it. I know how hard that is, and how inside your brain you feel normal, how the thoughts you are thinking are normal. But they're not, they are killing you, all you have to do is ask for help, ask anyone, Dom, your mum, me, Jac, anyone, we will all be here ready to help you. But you have to make the first step on your own, nobody can do that for you.' Zosia says, I nod, thinking about what she said, 'I have to go, they need a surgeon on Keller, page me if you need me.' Zosia says smiling before walking off. Maybe things have got on top of me recently, and maybe I have started relying on food to make me feel in control, I know it's not right, I know it's dangerous, but it's the only thing I have. It's the only thing that makes me feel better, calmer, in control. **

**'****Bye Chloe.' Zosia says as I smile and wave, deciding to walk down the stairs, wanting to avoid any surprise contact with either my mum or Dom coming into the hospital. I wince at a pain in my chest before continuing down the stairs, 'Chloe.' I hear mum's voice call out, I sigh and glance to see her walking up the stairs heading towards Keller, 'hi mum.' I mumble, trying to ignore my heart pounding in my chest, I honestly think that if it pounds any harder it will burst through, 'you didn't answer any of my calls.' Mum says as I grip hold of the railing, my body suddenly feeling very weak, 'sorry, I um fell asleep.' I say quietly, not really knowing what I'm saying, 'darling are you okay? You don't look very well at all.' Mum says, I look to see the concern in her eyes, 'I'm fine. Just tired.' I mumble the pain in my chest growing stronger and the rest of the world slipping away, 'sweetheart, just sit down for me, I'll get you some water.' Mum says, I feel her arm on my shoulder, the pain intensifying, as my whole body starts to tremble. 'Chloe!' I hear mums voice scream as I feel the ground beneath me fall, the walls around me spinning and a ringing in my ears appearing. The pain in my chest now reaching an unbearable level. I see mum's face slowly grow smaller and smaller and then, nothing. **

**_Ange's POV_**

**'****Chloe!' I scream as I watch my daughter collapse to the floor, clutching her chest. My whole world crashing down, everything turning into a blur. I rush forward my heart racing and hands trembling, 'Chloe, Chloe darling can you hear me?' I call out, gently shaking my daughters lifeless and limp body. 'Help, can I get some help please!' I yell in the hope that someone on the stairwell would hear me, or someone passing by. 'Sweetheart please, please just open your eyes.' I cry out, tears rolling down my face, 'Ange?' I spin around and see Essie stood in the doorway, 'please, help, I, I don't know what happened.' I mumble still clutching onto my daughter. 'Ange she's not breathing.' Essie's voice says, sounding far away. I glance down at Chloe, when I realise, she's right, I clasp my trembling hand over my mouth as sick rises in my stomach. 'Ange! Go get help!' Essie says sternly as I watch her start doing chest compressions and mouth to mouth. 'Now Ange!' Her voice says, snapping me back to reality. I nod and pull myself up off the floor, clutching onto the railing for support, my own legs nearly buckling. **

**I walk into the busy ED, people everywhere, everything spinning around in a blur. 'Please, please someone help me.' I call out, not gaining attention from anyone. 'Please, my daughter, she's not breathing!' I yell slightly louder. Instantly 3 doctors and 2 nurses come rushing towards me, and then towards Chloe. I watch as they take over CPR from Essie, trying to revive my daughter, they quickly move Chloe onto a trolley, and I stand watching helplessly as they continue the CPR into the resus. I feel the air hit my face as the door swings shut, not being able to see her anymore, my head not understanding what just happened, 'Ange, here.' I hear Essie's voice as she hands me a takeaway coffee cup, I gratefully take the hot drink, my hand still shaking, 'what happened Ange?' Essie asks, I shake my head, 'I should have done more, I should have forced myself into her house last night. She shouldn't have been in work. I just I never thought it would come to this.' I mumble, I glance at Essie who nods, 'would you like me to get Dom?' Essie asks, I nod slightly, tears rolling down my face. I watch as Essie walks off, and glance back at the resus room, my daughter's life hanging in the balance. **


	10. Chapter 10

I am really not happy with this chapter, but it was hard enough for me to write as it was. I have only been the person unconscious in this situation unfortunately, so I tried really hard to get Ange's emotions across. I actually did suffer from a heart attack and then cardiac arrest as a result from my anorexia so the inspo was taken from my experience. I have a few more twists and turns with this story as recovery is not a straight line and there isn't really an end point, you just keep going. Please read and review, give me your thoughts, opinions, criticism, I welcome all. If ay of you guys have ideas for this story please let me know. Thank you for all you support. Much love!

**Chapter 11**

_**Ange's POV**_

**'****Ange, Essie said, what happened?' I hear Dom's frantic voice appear as I continue to stare at the wall in the family room, 'Ange?' his voice calls out, I glance at him, take in his concerned expression, his trembling hands as I shake my head, he clasps his hand over his mouth, shaking his head, tears forming in his eyes. 'They, she's still in resus, I don't know anything.' I mumble flatly, returning my gaze to the wall, I hear him let out a breath of relief, 'thank god, thank god.' His voice stammers, 'Ange what happened?' he asks, I feel a dip in the sofa, and his body heat radiating next to me, 'she collapsed, in the hallway, she wasn't breathing.' I whisper, tears rolling down my face. I flinch slightly when I feel Dom reach for my hand, squeezing gently, 'this is all my fault. Its all my fault.' I mumble, my voice cracking, 'it's not, Ange you can't blame yourself.' Dom replies, 'I am her mum, it is my fault, I should have noticed, I did notice, all the times she skipped lunch, claiming she was busy, or the excuses for getting out of dinner. I noticed the weight loss, but I didn't think this was the reason. I thought it was stress. God why didn't I say something, ask her how she was doing, question her about the food. I should have stopped her coming into work, she wasn't well enough to be here. It's all my fault Dom, I, I failed her.' I cry out, sobbing, falling into his shoulder, my body shaking with fear at my daughter who could be dying right now. **

**I smile slightly at the cup of tea Dom places in my hand, still no news, it's been a while now, and the longer they take, the less chance. I know that and so does Dom. I flinch when I hear the door being pushed open, immediately fearing the worst, I clasp my hand around Dom's, holding on as tight as I possibly can. I watch as Mrs Beauchamp appears in the doorway, followed by Charlie Fairhead, 'Ms Godard.' Connie's voice calls out, calm and collected, giving no hints as to the news I'm about to receive, 'please call me Ange.' I mumble, 'is she, is she alive?' I ask, cringing at the question I'm asking. My heart breaks again, the only time I have ever felt like this was when I gave Dom up for adoption. Nothing can describe this feeling. 'Ange, we have managed to stabilise Chloe, however she is very critical. We had to resuscitate her numerous times, but she is going doing well at the moment.' Connie says, as suddenly the world stops spinning, and my heart relaxes, just a small bit. 'I am however concerned greatly about Chloe, she is showing signs of severe malnutrition, dehydration, exhaustion and we believe that what caused the heart attack was severe electrolyte imbalances.' Connie says, I nod knowingly, 'I know this may be difficult to take in, but we do believe that Chloe is suffering from an eating disorder.' Connie says, as if I didn't know. 'Yes, I know, she has anorexia, well, I mean she hasn't been diagnosed yet, but its obvious. I just never thought this would happen.' I state, running my hand through my hair, 'I see, well Chloe is still unconscious at the moment, but once she is awake and more stable, I will recommend a psych review. I am also in the process of getting her transferred to Darwin Ward for further monitoring. But you can see her now.' Connie says, I nod and leap to my feet. Following behind the woman, Dom closely behind me.**

**I gasp when I see Chloe lying in one of the HDU beds, oxygen mask over her face, wires and tubes coming out of her small body. I feel sick rise in my stomach as I see how ill she looks, face ghostly white, with big black circles around each eye and gaunt, so gaunt. Collarbones and chest bones peaking underneath the hospital gown, the rest of her malnourished body hidden by blankets. 'My poor baby.' I whisper, covering my mouth with my hand. I glance at Dom who looks how I feel and then at Connie, 'what have you got going into her?' I ask my voice shaking, 'just saline with electrolytes, aspirin IV, morphine NCA.' Connie says I nod, 'I know you want me pumping her with glucose and feeding formula but as Chloe is an adult, I have to wait until she is deemed as having or not having capacity to consent.' Connie says, already answering my question. I nod, understanding completely. 'I'll leave you guys too it, let me know if you need anything.' She replies, gently rubbing my arm, I nod gratefully. 'I can't, I can't go in there.' Dom's voice wobbles, 'look at her, I mean, how did it get to this point.' He states, I shake my head, 'I'm really sorry Ange but I need to get some air. Text me later.' Dom replies, I nod, not even bothering to argue and plead for him to stay, all I can do is stare at Chloe. **

**'****Darling, it's me, mum, I'm here now, I'm here, everything is going to be okay. I will help you get better, we will fight this darling. You are my brave, strong, beautiful daughter, I love you so much Chloe, I love you darling.' I whisper, gently stroking her limp brittle hair as I clasp her cold, skinny hand, mindful of the IV line's going in. **

**Chloe's POV**

**'****Beep…Beep… Beep…Beep… Beep…Beep…' The continuous noise gradually gets louder in my ears, as I feel the light seep through my tightly shut eyes, where am I? What happened? I flicker my eyes open, glancing around I see the white walls of the room, I glance down and see mum, gripping my hand tightly, head laid out on the bed, 'mum?' I call out, my voice hoarse and throat dry, 'oh my god Chloe.' Mum's voice calls out, her cheeks stained with tears and she reaches up and engulfs me in a hug, 'where, where am I?' I ask looking down at all the lines going into me, 'you're in the ED at Holby, you collapsed this morning.' Mum says wiping her tears, 'what?' I whisper even more concerned, 'I'm just going to grab a doctor.' Mum says opening the door to the room, revealing the busy ED department, I watch as mum walks out, before glancing at the lines and drips they have put in me. Mum soon returns with Connie Beauchamp who offers me a smile, 'what have you put in me, what are these?' I blurt out, before she can even introduce herself, trying to hide the panic in my voice, 'it's just saline solution and aspirin and morphine.' Connie replies with a pitiful tone in her voice, I glance at mum who sighs, running her hand through her hair, 'Chloe, I've been looking after you this morning. The reason you collapsed was that you had a heart attack and then went into cardiac arrest, we had to resuscitate you 3 times before you came around.' Connie's says, I shake my head, confusion and panic filling my head, 'no, no, that can't have happened, I mean, 26-year olds don't have heart attacks.' I mumble, feeling tears fill my eyes, 'darling they do when they are starving themselves, not giving their body the proper nutrition.' Mum says walking over and taking my hand, 'no, that can't have happened. I'm fine, I've got it under control.' I state, rubbing my hands, 'Chloe, this has gone way further than your control anymore. This is life threatening, you almost just died.' Mum says, her voice cracking, I glance at Connie who nods, 'look I know this must be really hard for you, but this is serious Chloe, very serious.' She says, I shake my head tears rolling down my face as I try to take in what has happened. 'I'm going to give you guys a minute. Just give me a shout if you need anything.' Connie says before walking away. 'Chloe, please, you can't keep this to yourself anymore, you need to let me in, please just tell me what's going on.' Mum says, tears rolling down her face. I shake my head, completely terrified of what's happening to me, allowing myself to fully cry. **

**'****I'm sorry' I mumble, finally bringing myself to say something after about a 1 hour in complete silence, mum glances up from where her head is lying on the bed, still clutching my hand, 'for what?' she asks confused, 'for everything, I mean, I came into this world not because you wanted me, but because you were forced to have me.' I state, I watch as mum burrows her eyebrows in confusion, 'Chloe, it does not matter how you came into this world, but as soon as you did, I loved every single part of you so much, you were the missing piece from my heart, you made me whole again.' Mum says, I shake my head, wiping a lone tear that's running down my cheek, 'Chloe you have to believe me.' Mum states again, 'it's just when I look in the mirror, all I can see is someone born of hate, this dirty, disgusting person that you were forced to have.' I say, glancing down at the hospital sheets, mum shakes her head, gently stroking my hand, 'is that, where all of the stuff with food started?' Mum asks, I shrug my shoulders, 'I don't know, maybe, I just started feeling so out of control and food, gave me that control back, I couldn't control what was happening outside, but I could decide when and what to eat. But before I knew it, I guess it started controlling me, all of these feelings came with it, and I just hate every single inch of my body. It's this constant battle in my head and I can't keep doing it, I can't keep fighting every single moment of every single day. I'm just too tired.' I whisper, mum nods wiping a tear, 'I know it's scary, and I know how much you like to be in control, but we will get you help, I promise we will fight this together.' Mum says squeezing my hand, I nod, squeezing back gently. **

**'****So, we are going to be transferring you up to Darwin ward now, for further monitoring, a bed has just become available.' Connie says, I glance at mum, suddenly feeling very embarrassed at the fact that I'm going to have to face Jac and Zosia again, 'it'll be okay sweetheart.' Mum says stroking my hand, knowing why I'm anxious, I nod as two porters begin to move my bed. I nervously wait as the lift makes the sound signalling that we are on the floor, my heart racing, I don't want Jac or Zosia to see me like this.**

**I watch as the porter motions to Jac, who puts the notes she's holding down onto the desk, 'Ange?' Jac's voice calls out, in confusion, first only realising it's mum, 'Chloe?' Jac says on the realisation that it's me in the hospital bed, 'what happened?' Jac asks helping to push me into the bay, 'this is Chloe Godard, approximately 3 hours ago she experienced a heart attack and then went into cardiac arrest, was resuscitated 3 times, bradycardic, hypotensive, pyrexical, O2 sats maintained above 98%, GCS 15, needs further monitoring and query psych review.' The nurse says behind me, handing over my folder to Jac, 'thanks.' Jac says sternly as she pulls the curtain around the bay and places the folder in the holder at the bottom of the bed. 'I just need to listen to your chest, I'm going to have to open your gown, do you want your mum to stay?' Jac asks, I glance at mum, 'I don't care'. I mumble already feeling humiliated, why not add partial nudity to the mix, Jac nods and mum sits down in the chair next to me, holding tightly to my hand. Jac opens the gown and I close my eyes, knowing mum will see the extent of what's happened, 'deep breath in…and out. Again.' Jac says, I follow her instructions, avoiding eye contact with either of them. 'Okay, I'm concerned about how slow your heart is beating, I'm going to do all the usual tests and I want a CT of your heart. Chloe, I am going to have to put a referral into the psych team for them to review you, and, due to the nature of the incident I'm going to request that it is urgent.' Jac says, I nod not caring anymore. 'I also want to start you on glucose drip, electrolyte drip and saline.' Jac says, instantly I panic, 'no, not the glucose. I don't want the glucose I don't need the glucose one.' I blurt out, my heart racing, making the machine beep faster, 'Chloe, calm down, I can't put anything up without your permission, you are an adult, that has got capacity to consent, so I won't put the glucose IV up.' Jac states, I nod, trusting Jac to be telling me the truth. I watch Jac walk off, notes in hand as I run my hand through my hair, 'darling, please just have the glucose drip, your body needs the sugar.' Mum says, I shake my head, 'I said I don't want it. I want to sleep.' I mumble, closing my eyes, feeling exhausted. **


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**_Chloe's POV _**

**"****Darling, you need to wake up." Mums voice says stirring me, I blink my eyes open, the harsh light of the ward hurting them. "How are you feeling?" Mum asks, I sigh, "tired, my head hurts." I mumble glancing at mum, her bloodshot eyes, mascara underneath them and her face etched with concern. This is my fault. I've caused her to feel this. I didn't want to hurt anybody else. Only me. I deserve it. Mum definitely doesn't. "What time is it?" I ask, attempting to sit up in the bed, but my arms collapsing immediately underneath me. "It's half 6" mum says standing up from her chair and helping me to sit up, "Dom is going to pop up in a bit, after his shift probably." Mum says, a very noticeable awkward tension in the air. "Dom knows?" I ask, "yes, Essie told him, and he came straight down to the ED, but I think he found it hard. We've been texting each other though." Mum says smiling slightly at me, I nod, sliding the leg furthest away from her out of the bed, and starting to jiggle it on the floor. **

**I glance at mum, sat staring at her phone, occasionally glancing and offering me a smile, nothing being said for nearly 30 minutes now. "I'll be right back darling, just going to the toilet." Mum says abruptly, standing up and walking out of the cubicle. I nod, glancing around the ward, most patients watching TV or sleeping. I reach for the cup of water next to my bed, my hand still shaking, taking small slow sips. I glimpse up, seeing mum walk back towards me tray in hand, fear and panic filling my body, my heart racing. "It's dinner time Chloe. You need to eat this." Mum says, placing the tray that has a disgusting meat pie with veg and wedges down. "I'm not hungry." I mumble, avoiding even looking at the tray. "Chloe please, just try it, a mouth full, please." Mum says taking of the cover and holding the knife and fork. "I said I'm not hungry!" I shout slightly, hey heart still racing. "Darling, you just had a heart attack. You need to eat." Mum says spurning annoyed. "No! I don't! There is nothing wrong with me! God would you just leave me alone!" I scream, getting the attention of the whole ward, including Jac and Zosia who are at the nurse's desk. "Chloe please." Mum pleads, her voice breaking. "No! Stop asking me! I don't even want you here!" I shout, pushing the tray so it falls off my table, oh the floor. Sending carrots and potatoes flying. I watch as mum covers her eyes with her hands, shaking her head slightly, guilt fills my stomach for making her upset, but at the same time I don't care. "Everything okay?" Jac's voice calls out, I glance up and see Jac and Zosia stood at the foot of my bed, "everything's just great!" I state sarcastically. "Chloe you need to eat something." Jac states sternly. "No what I need to do is go home. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to be here." I reply, getting more and more agitated. I flicker my gaze between the three of them, mum crying, Jac cold and stern and Zosia looking worried. "Jac, I've got this. It's okay." Zosia says nodding at Jac who rolls her eyes and walks off, "Ange, I mean Ms Godard. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee or something?" Zosia says glancing at mum, I watch my ponder for a moment, before nodding. "I won't be long. Love you." She states planting a kiss on top of my head. I watch as mum walks away, running her hand through her hair. I look at Zosia who smiles, before she pulls the curtain around and sits on the bed next to me "how are you?" She asks, which causes me to laugh internally. "I've been better." I state rolling my eyes, "yeah Dom phoned me this morning. Woke me up, he was pretty upset by it all." Zosia says folding her arms, I nod slowly. "What's going on in your head right now? What is your head telling you? Tell me? Please?" Zosia asks cautiously. I shut my eyes shaking my head, "please? I'm not going to judge." She says, voice filled with kindness. I take a deep breath, my heart pounding "I don't know, it's telling me how I don't need to be here. That I'm fine. That the longer I stay here the more weight I'll gain. That I need to be in control." I say avoiding eye contact with Zosia, "Chloe you are really unwell at the moment. Both physically and mentally. I wish you could understand. I know that your head is telling you to not trust us, but please, you need to trust us. Trust your mum, she loves you so much. We all just want you well again.' Zosia says, I nod glancing into her eyes, which have glazed over. 'I'm just really scared. I've never felt this out of control before.' I mumble, picking at a bit of loose skin on my finger, I watch as Zosia moves closer to me, gently gripping my hand. 'I know your scared, I know you feel as though everyone is out to get you, but we all just want happy Chloe back, happy and healthy Chloe.' Zosia says with a small smile. I nod, blinking away the tears, 'I'm going to grab a cleaner to clean that up, I'm not going to force you, but can I get you anything? Crackers, toast, fruit?' Zosia asks, standing at the end of my bed, 'can I just have a cup of tea please. No sugar and no milk.' I mumble, desperately wanting something to warm me up. Zosia nods before turning away and walking off, leaving me alone again. **

**"****Hey." I glance up from staring at my sheets, to Dom at the bottom of my bed. "Hey." I state, suddenly getting anxious. He smiles slightly, "can I sit?" He asks hesitantly, I nod clicking my fingers, 'I just saw your mum, downstairs, she looked really worried.' Dom says, I nod, instantly feeling guilty, I watch as Dom's face flushes a light shade of red, clearly finding the whole situation awkward, 'anyway, I took the liberty of buying you some trash magazines.' Dom says smiling as he passes me a bag with what looks like every single magazine from the shop downstairs, 'thanks.' I mumble, placing the bag next to me, 'Chloe, I am really sorry if, if this, all of this is my fault.' Dom says quietly, his voice barely a whisper, I shake my head, does he really blame himself for this? 'Dom, it's, it's not your fault.' I mumble, trying to sound firm, but ultimately sounding pathetic. Dom shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes, 'if you hadn't found out about me, maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone. I don't know. I'm just really sorry Chloe, I never wanted to make you feel so bad about yourself, or make you want to hurt yourself. 'Dom say, I weakly reach out for his hand, squeezing gently. 'Dom, I'm not saying that finding out about you was easy, but this, all this. It's not your fault. You were innocent in all of this.' I say softly, Dom nods, wiping away a tear that's rolled down his cheek, 'but so were you Chloe.' He says rubbing my hand gently, I shake my head, 'no. I've never been innocent, at all. Even the way I was brought into the world. I wasn't born out of love. I was born out of hate, and every time I look in the mirror, that is all I see.' I say, in between tears, Dom nod's, holding my hand tightly. 'I am so sorry Chloe, I can't change your mind about that. But I am here now. I'm here and I love you.' He says leaning forward, pulling me into a hug. I collapse into his embrace, tears rolling down my face, barely able to breath. **

**Ange's POV **

**I take the last mouthful of coffee, before abruptly standing up, there is no way in hell I am letting Chloe get worse now. I don't care is she hates me forever, I'd rather her hate me forever and be alive, than me letting her go on like this. I throw the cup into a bin, making my way over to the psychiatric unit in the hospital. 'Hi, I'm Dr Ange Godard, I need to speak to a psychiatrist immediately please.' I state at the young receptionist, 'okay yes sure, Dr Wilson will be free in 5 minutes?' the receptionists states, I nod and offer her a slight smile before taking a seat on one of the armchairs. 'Dr Godard?' A tall, attractive dark-haired woman calls out, I stand up quickly offering her a smile, 'please, come through.' She states, motioning to her office. I nod and follow her through to the private room. 'What an I do to help you?' Dr Wilson ask's, sitting down opposite me. 'It's about my daughter, Chloe Godard, she's 26, a doctor herself, but she had a heart attack this morning, because of anorexia.' I state, but voice breaking slightly, 'I see, how long has she been suffering from an eating disorder?' Dr Wilson asks, starting to type on her computer, 'I'm not really sure, she won't talk to me about it, but I would say the 6/7 months.' I say, trying to remember when I saw Chloe truly happy last. 'Now obviously if she had a heart attack its pretty serious. Anorexia or bulimia?' she asks, I feel myself cringe inside, 'anorexia. She's always been tiny, I don't get it. I know its not just about food, it's about control and feelings, but how can it happen to my daughter?' I ask, my voice cracking, 'anorexia is very complex, secretive disorder, it looks like its about food, but that is something external for people to focus on. It's about control, not being able to cope with bad feelings. Has Chloe struggled with her mental health before?' Dr Wilson asks, I nod, 'she had terrible anxiety when she was a child, and she started self-harming.' I say, memories of 16-year-old Chloe crying in my bed, flooding back. 'How is she now? Now that she is in hospital?' she asks, I sigh rubbing my forehead, 'she is refusing to believe there is anything wrong. She won't have any drips with glucose in, she is refusing to eat, I am terrified that she is going to die.' I mumble, blinking away the tears, Dr Wilson nods sympathetically, 'from what you've told me, I will be coming to do an emergency psych review on Chloe tomorrow morning. However, I believe that inpatient stay will be the best option for Chloe. I would like to try and get he admitted voluntarily, but we may have to section her under the mental health act.' Dr Wilson says, I nod, knowing that Chloe will probably never speak to me ever again after this. I don't care though. I just want my daughter alive and healthy. **


	12. Chapter 12

Authors Note: Thank you for all your reviews on this story, I really enjoy writing this story and hopefully you all enjoy reading. Any criticism or improvement idea's are very much welcome! Thank you.

**I roll over, the noise from the ward waking me, as I squint my eyes shut, I hear the beeping of the machine making me aware that I am very much alive. I glance over at the nurse's station seeing Jac and Zosia stand there, in handover, I should be there, with them. Not stuck in some hospital bed, not when there's nothing wrong with me.**

**'****Oh darling, you're awake.' Mum's voice says, I glance over at her, walking in with a cup of coffee, eyes blood shot and puffy bags underneath. **

**'What's wrong?' I ask, my voice pathetic and weak. **

**'****Nothing, nothing, just tired.' She replies offering me a sympathetic smile which drives me crazy. **

**I don't want her sympathy, I don't need her sympathy. **

**'****How did you sleep?' she asks, sitting down on the big armchair. **

**'Fine.' I mumble, nervously fiddling with the crisp hospital sheets. **

**Mum nods sighing as she starts scrolling through her phone, I just sit anxiously waiting for what today has to hold, hopefully I'll be sent home after today. I mean there is nothing wrong with me. **

**I watch as I see Jac and another woman who I don't know walking towards me from the nurse's station, immediately anxiety courses through my body as I feel my heart beat faster. **

**'****Hi Chloe, this is Dr Wilson, from the mental health team.' Jac says before nodding and walking away. **

**'****Hi Chloe, it's nice to meet you.' The woman says smiling at the end of my bed, I nod and offer a sarcastic smile back, ****'****and I'm guessing your Ange, Chloe's mum.' The doctor says turning to shake mum's hand who smiles enthusiastically, the two exchanging a weird look.**

**'****Chloe, I've come down today to have a chat with yourself and you're mum about what's been going on recently, however I can appreciate that it's not the most private on the ward, so was thinking of going into the treatment room?' Dr Wilson states, I nod, at least she appears to understand how embarrassing this whole situation is. 'Okay, great, if I get one of the nurses to pop you in a wheelchair and I'll meet you both in there?' The woman says, I nod and take a deep breath, this isn't going to be easy to get out of. **

**'****I am concerned a great deal about you Chloe, both physically and mentally, your weight is significantly lower than it should be, all of your blood work is imbalanced, and your heart is working way too hard. I am also concerned regarding something known as re-feeding syndrome, as you have disclosed your usual intake for the past few weeks, to re-introduce a normal, healthy diet plan would make your body go into shock, which is very dangerous.' Dr Wilson says, as I sit there, uncomfortable being an understatement. **

**'****I would like to start you on some special shakes, that will slowly introduce nutrition back into your system, and then look into meal planning. I am also going to refer you immediately to the community eating disorders team to schedule some counselling and therapy appointments, but I believe you may have to stay in hospital for some time, until you are physically more stable.' Dr Wilson says, I shake my head, trying to process what she has just said. **

**'****I, I can't stay here, I want to go home.' I mumble, trying to sound firm, but sounding pathetic. **

**'****Chloe, I know this is hard, but you are not well enough to go home, not yet.' She says, I shake my head, tears threatening to fall down my face. **

**'****Please.' I mumble, pulling at a loose thread on the sheet. **

**'****Chloe, you are not detained under the mental health act, so theoretically I cannot do anything to make you stay, but if you do go home, you are just risking your life.' Dr Wilson says, I sit there, so conflicted, I just don't know what to do.**

**'****I'll give you some time to process this, and I need to consult with another doctor, I won't be long.' She says, I nod, wiping away a single tear that has rolled down my cheek. My head feeling like it's going to explode, all these people making decisions, making threats about me, a major war going on inside my head, everything is just too much, I just want it all too stop. **

**'****Darling, Dr Wilson said you need to drink this for lunch.' Mum says holding out an orange cup filled with a disgusting, off white liquid, that's slightly thick.**

**'****No, I don't want it.' I state sternly**

**'****you need this sweetheart, please, just a little bit.' Mum says, placing the toxic drink in front of me, I glance at the cup, my stomach swirling at the sight of it. I shake my head, pushing it away slightly, my hands trembling. **

**'****Please Chloe, just try.' Mum says sounding desperate**

**'****what don't you understand about no? I am not going to drink this, I don't even know what it is. Just leave me alone!' I shout gaining the attention from 2 nurses, Jac and Zosia who are stood at the nursing station. **

**'Chloe, everything all right?' Zosia asks walking over, followed by Jac, 'no, I'm not drinking this, you can't make me.' I state confidently, knowing they can't force me. **

**'****Actually Chloe, we can, Dr Wilson consulted with me and another Dr and we are all in agreement that you are not medically well enough to make decisions on your health and treatment, so unless you drink that, we have been given authority to pass an NG tube down.' Jac says sternly from behind Zosia, I feel my heart race rapidly as sweat starts forming on my head and my hands go clammy. **

**'****No, no you can't, mum?' I whisper glancing in fear at mum who bows her head, refusing to even look at me. **

**'****I, I can't drink that, I just, I can't, please don't make me.' I whisper, I glance between Jac and a nurse, as Jac nods and the nurse rushes off, 'Jac please.' I mumble, feeling trapped in the small bay. **

**'****Chloe I'm sorry. But if you aren't going to drink it, then this is what's going to happen.' Jac says, I glimpse at Zosia who offers me a small, sad smile. I sit there, my head racing, all of my thoughts swirling around as I feeling the walls closing in tighter.**

**'****Mum please, please don't let them do this.' I mumble, grabbing hold of my mother's hand, she looks at me, fear and terror in her own eyes. **

**'****I'm sorry darling, but they need to do this.' Mum says tears running down both our cheeks. **

**I watch as the tube comes closer and closer to my nose, Jac avoiding any eye contact with me, I squirm away, thrashing my legs and moving my head, flinging my arms around the bed, screaming. **

**'****STOP! Please, stop, please, don't do this, please.' I scream, feeling hands grip my arms to my legs and someone hold my head still, all sense of reality running away from me. **

**'****Chloe, I need you to stay still and take some deep breaths in.' Jac says, I scream, catching a glimpse of mum in the corner. **

**'****This, this is all your fault. I never want to see you again.' I scream at mum, ignoring all of Jac's advice, I feel the tube pass through my nose, making me cough and splutter as I feel I'm about to throw up. I cry, glimpsing at Jac taping the tube tight to my face, feeling defeated. I shut my eyes, hearing the sound of the feeding pump switching on as the liquid poison travels down the line and into my stomach, making feel sick. **

**'****We'll leave you two alone.' Zosia say's rubbing my foot gently as I watch all of them walk away. I glimpse at mum, 'just leave me alone. I mean it. You let them do this to me, just go.' I say coldly and sternly, refusing to feel any compassion to my mother, all I feel is betrayal and anger. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Authors note: Firstly I wanted to apologies for the massive gap between chapters, I'm in my 2nd year of Uni and the work has started to pile up so this took a bit of a sideline, however I am getting back on track! I really hope you like this chapter. I found it very emotional to write as it is closely what happened when I got sectioned under the mental health act. Honestly there is no feeling more low, I was desperate for someone to save me, but terrified at the same time. I hope I conveyed these emotions of desperation, helplessness and just feeling like you've got nothing else to lose. Please read and review, let me know what you think! Thank you all so much!  
**

_Chloe's POV_

**'**How are you doing?' Zosia ask's walking close to my bed, I roll my eyes, which are sore and puffy from crying hysterically for last 3 hours. The feed has now stopped, but I know, another one will be coming soon. 'Everybody just wants to help you.' Zosia says, I nod, wishing they would all leave me alone. 'Aren't you supposed to be in handover?' I ask, glancing at the time, 'yeah just going in now, I think Dom is on his way up to see you, after his shift finishes.' Zosia says squeezing my hand gently, I nod, 'great.' I mumble, I watch as Zosia walks off, back to the nurse's station, ready for handover. I take this as the opportunity I need, I am not staying here a second longer, I've got it all worked out, I've been planning it since they started that bloody feed. I grab a nurse just walking onto her shift and ask her to the pull the curtain around, for more privacy, which she agrees to. I have about 15 minutes to slip out before any of them realise, I'll go down the fire exit and jump into a taxi, grab some stuff from home, and then, I don't know, head to Scotland, stay with some friends for a bit. I sit myself up more in the bed, leaning over and stopping all the IV fluids running into me. I grab some gauze and pull off the cannulas in my hand, take off all my monitoring and silence the machine. I take a deep breath before pulling out the NG tube, coughing and spluttering as I do so. I smile to myself, proud of what I've already done. I swing my legs over the side of the bed, reaching into the cupboard and pulling out a pair of leggings and a jumper, mum bought in for me and change quickly, shoving my feet into the trainers. I slowly stand up from the bed, immediately gripping onto the side for support, shocked at how weak I feel. I take a deep breath. Come on Chloe, you can do this. Pull yourself together. I take a few wobbly steps, dizziness immediately washing over me, I grab mum's coat that's draped over the chair and fold it over my arms, taking the £30 in the pocket for taxi money. I take a deep breath, pulling the curtain back slightly, glancing at the nurse's station, which is completely empty. I slip out between the curtains and walk as quickly as my legs will allow me too, towards the fire exit. I sigh, instantly relaxing as I feel the cold air hit my face, the noise from the busy motorway filling me with comfort. I actually got away, I actually done it, I smile to myself taking a few deep breathes, trying to ignore the dizziness I feel again. I shut my eyes, trying to stop the world from spinning, this cannot happen, not now, not her- 'Chloe!'

_Ange's POV_

'How is she doing?' Dom asks, I roll my eyes, taking a sip of my hot chocolate, he nods knowingly, 'stupid question.' He states, with a small chuckle, 'I just, I don't know what to do, how to help, I felt so guilty for allowing them to put that NG tube in, you should have heard the screams Dom, I, just don't know.' I state, rubbing my forehead, 'I know it's hard, but you are doing everything you can to help, her, she's so unwell she can't see it.' Dom says gripping my hand, I nod, 'I feel so stupid that I didn't notice sooner, how did it get to this point? How on earth did she hide it? The doctor weighed her today, she was 84lbs. How did nobody notice what she was doing?' I ask, swallowing the lump that's formed in my throat, 'I, I don't know, we should have, but we are all here to support both of you now, I am here to support both of you.' Dom says, I nod offering him a sad smile, 'shall we go up and see her?' I say, he nods, and we leave our mostly empty cups on the table, walking towards the lift.

'I'm just going to speak to Jac, you go and see her.' I say gently touching Dom's arm, I watch him walk off towards where Chloe is, 'Jac, can I speak to you please.' I say calling the formidable surgeon, 'yes.' She states bluntly, 'I've looked into it, and I think Chloe needs intense inpatient treatment, would you be able to write a report, with Dr Wilson, stating the need for an urgent bed?' I ask, Jac nods, 'of course.' She states, 'thank- Dom what wrong?' I ask noticing Dom walk towards both of us, 'Chloe, where is she? She's gone?' he states, I feel my stomach hit the floor as my heart starts racing, 'what do you mean gone?' Jac asks, sounding just as concerned as me, 'she's not in her bed, all her cannulas are pulled out, so is the tube.' He states, running his hand through his hair, 'Right, she can't have gone far, Zosia call the Psych team, Dom try the main stairs, I'll put out the security call.' Jac says jumping into action. I've lost her, she's gone. 'Ange?' Dom's urgent voice calls out, snapping me out of my trance, I nod and rush towards the lift, hopefully trying to stop her from getting into a taxi.

_Jac's POV _

'Yes, Chloe Godard, blonde, pale, short, do not let her leave the hospital.' I state down the phone to the security guard. I stop, rubbing my forehead, when I spot the fire door swinging open slightly. I rush forward, hoping my instincts are right, I pause when I see her stood there, visible shaking, scrunching her eyes shut, breathing heavy, looking as though she could collapse at any point. I watch as her legs buckle and her body starts swaying, 'Chloe!' I yell, stepping forward and catching the girl in my arms, breaking the fall, I feel for her pulse, relieved when I find it, 'can I get some help please.' I yell, soon enough two nurses appear with a wheelchair and blanket, 'she's passed out. Get her back to the bed, monitoring on, someone needs to stay with her at all times.' I state, watching them wheel Chloe back, I quickly call Ange and let her know she's back on the ward. Before stepping into my office and making a very important phone call.

_Chloe's POV_

I open my eyes, expecting to be outside, and shocked to be met with the piercing blue eyes of mum, 'what, what happened.' I mumble, realising that I'm back in the bed, 'Chloe, you fainted, Jac found you, where were you going?' Mum asks, I sit up, suddenly very aware of what's happened. 'NO, stop, I shouldn't be here, I don't need to be here, I don't want to be here!' I shout pulling the monitoring off my chest, attempting to stand up. 'Chloe, please darling, just stop.' Mum's voice calls out, I hear her voice breaking as I glance and see tears rolling down her face. That's when I spot Jac, Zosia, Dr Wilson, two paramedics and someone else I don't know walking towards me. 'What's going on?' I ask, feeling my heart race fast, my hands instantly getting clammy, 'Chloe, we have discussed what has happened today, and we all feel as though it is in your best interests to be admitted to a specialised eating disorder unit, in London, there is a bed available for you right now, and due to the seriousness of your health and how unwell you are we have admitted you under a section 3 which means you have to go.' Dr Wilson says, I feel my world come tumbling down, I glance between Mum and Jac, mum now crying on Dom's shoulder, who is also crying, Jac standing there arms folded, 'please, please, no, please, I don't want to go, mum, please, I want to stay with you. Don't make me go, please, I'll do anything, please.' I mumble, tears rolling down my face. I feel the arms of the two paramedics lift me up and guide me into the wheelchair, 'please, please, don't make me go.' I plead, look at the faces of everyone in the room, most of them except Jac and Dr Wilson are crying. 'I love you so much sweetheart, you will beat this. I promise.' Mums weak voice calls out in between sobs. The rest just happens in a blur. I feel the bright lights of the ambulance and the bumpiness of the road, the paramedic constantly taking obs. I just close my eyes, surrendering, this, this is rock bottom.


End file.
